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night rant

November 13, 2016

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i'm a crummy mommy :( sucks that theres nothing i can do to make things better

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every moms nightmare

i am currently..... well you guessed it. pumping. seems like that's the only thing i do these days. why you ask? because my baby has zero patience when it comes to direct breastfeeding. never thought mh breastfeeding journey would end up like this. heck never thought i would even have one. before i had her, i never really had a plan on breastfeeding. never researched about it. all i know is, if i dont have enough milk, i'll be formula feeding her, and its going to be as simple as that. boy i was wrong. the first week was a tough one. she kept falling asleep because she of her jaundice. she was admitted at the hospital without me, and while in confinement, my mom didnt really want me going back and forth to the hospital just to breastfeed. so i had to pump. i couldve just asked the nurses to feed her formula. but im not sure what it was. i felt like i was responsible to provide milk for her. everyone has milk. plenty especially during the early days. you just have to understand ...

Second-child guilt: im heart broken

Ameer brought Raesa to the room. Prepped her for bed time. Tried to put her to sleep, but she cried ‘mommy’ repeatedly for more than half an hour. She was sobbing so hard, so i told ameer to watch Aeris instead. We were not in the room because didnt want both to be awake the same time and Aeris is sound asleep in the living room. Wanted Raesa to sleep first before we bring the baby into the room. I put her to bed while hugging her and she was still sobbing. Whispered to her that she’s a big girl now and i need her help taking care of the baby and she needs to be independent ie sleep on her own. She hugged me and i started tearing up. She heard me, and when i looked at her she was trying so hard to not cry 😔😔 i feel so bad. I guess she’s still too young to comprehend but she’s aware. I know she understands what i whispered to her. She’s just not able to fulfil the big sister/eldest kid role yet. She’s just too young for this. I apologized to her so many times in m...

Part 1

I smiled reading my last post. I was probably really emotional because I was about four weeks into my pregnancy. Well, two weeks technically. Yes people, we're pregnant! And I'm in my 16th week now. Will be 4 months in 10 days. We actually conceived on our first try at counting my ovulation date. Didnt think we hit it because we were busy with my brother's wedding preps and we didnt get much sleep during my fertile period. But were determined to get it right the next round Lol. (TMI PLEASE) Ameer was the one who wanted a baby almost immediately and I didnt like the plan initially, but went with it nonetheless. We 'tried' like blindly hoping that we would get it right because it seems pretty easy at that time. I wasnt bothered at first because I didnt like the plan, but I needed the assurance that I'm a normal human being who is capable of conceiving. After the 4th month it got scary and started to think that something might be wrong with ourselves. Paranoid much...

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night rant

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